I debated whether or not I wanted to write about this but decided it would be a good idea since this is such a big part of our life right now. I am using this as my journal and want to remember as much as I can about the situation. I hope to be able to look back at this time and remember what I learned and see our blessings in the hard times.
We have secondary infertility. I didn't know that was a real thing. I thought infertility was something that only applied to people without kids, but it actually makes up more than half of all infertility cases. Not being able to get pregnant had always been a fear of mine when I was younger. I had known a lot of people, including my mom, who had had this trial. We got pregnant with Sophie shortly after we were married, so I assumed we were in the clear. I thought it would maybe take us like four months max to get pregnant. But sometimes our Heavenly Father has a plan for our life that is different than our own.
Months kept passing and the negative pregnancy tests seemed to be piling up. I had noticed from the start that some things with my body weren't quite right. I was all over the place. I started to get more concerned as time went on. I had gone to my doctor, the same one that delivered Sophie. She didn't know quite how to help us and didn't want to waste our money trying to figure it out. She sent us to an infertility specialist. We have had some amazing highs there as well as some completely devastating lows. That is often how infertility works. Something good will happen and you feel like progress has been made, only to have a frustrating stumble after that. We have lost two sweet babies, one in May and one at the end of August. It has been the hardest thing that we have ever had to go through, and I am still slowly healing. I am so grateful to have Sky by my side. He is the best. One thing that has amazed me is the love I have felt from my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I have noticed that life is so much more difficult if I don't have their help. It doesn't mean I still don't have really hard days, but it means that I am able to get through them.
Infertility is an emotional roller coaster. Secondary infertility also adds some different challenges. I have an amazing little girl who asks me for a sibling almost every day. It kills me. It is hard because you plan how far apart you want your kids to be, and when it is not working out, you sometimes feel like a failure as a parent. I am so incredibly grateful for my Sophie Sunshine. I love her more than I can even describe. Because of my love for her, I want her to have a brother or a sister. I love my brothers and don't know what I would do without them. I want her to have those experiences. Even though we have wanted another baby for almost two years, I am so grateful for all the time that we have had, just me and her. She is my shopping guru, my cuddle buddy, and my little best friend.
I am also so grateful for my friends and my family. It has been so helpful to have people to talk to and vent to. Infertility is more common that I think a lot of people realize. One in eight couples struggle to get pregnant, but sometimes it seems that it is taboo to talk about it. For some couples, keeping it private is the best route for them, and that is great!. For me, especially during the miscarriages, it has been so comforting to have the support and the love. My hubby has been so wonderful through everything. Our marriage has been strengthened and I have grown to love him even more.
Even though life has not gone as planned the last couple years, we are so blessed. I am trying to remember that Heavenly Father knows what is best for us and what experiences will help us grow. Someday we will all understand why we we were given our trials. I am also going to try harder to stay positive and focus on all the wonderful blessings that I have. And hopefully soon, another little Simpson will be joining our crew!
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